EVEN MORE CHAT with Maid Lowenna – Joy Stevenson

I bin Trurra day furr bit shoppun. Tha plaace wuz boilun with people yewd think twuz Cow day. Mind, I da reckon tha shops in Trurra iz uz good uz London, thaw ta tell tha truth I nivvurr bin Lundun thaw they da tell me tiz a geat zawn as a plaace. I da stay in Cornwall wass good nuff furr Mothurr und Feythurr iz good nuff furr me, they dedun see knaw sense traipsun cross tha bordurr, nor da I. One shop I wuz in ad a queue uz long as the ones furr ogs puddin in tha war, cum find out they wuz buyun they there lottery tickutts. Av ee bot one yet? I dussun, cuz Feythurr beun sa Methody dawnt awld with gamblun tall. Anyow, wass us goin do with all that money if we wunn un? Spawse we cud give tha Chapel a new roof, then see ta tha fambly like. Mind, I tellee one thing I must say I da fancy und tiz one av they there mawturr mawurrs you da sit pon. Next door av gawt one, well they gawt every mortull thing money can buy they ay. Now tedun in me fun ta covet what uthurrs av gawt uz a rule, but I’ll tellee when I da maw ower grass with owurr awid pushurr mawurr I’m beat you. Saw when I da see missus next door ridun round on that mawturr av ers, drissed up like Sally Hatch too, I gawt ta admit twud be grand ta av one oneav they. Thaw I muss say I da wundurr if I cud drive un or knaw, cuz I nevurr did pass me drivun test. Twuddun my fault mind, tha awld zaminurr that day wuz us taizy uz a snaake, und ow wuz I ta knaw I’d meet Billy Arris kitun down long Fore Strait just uz I cummed round tha corner. Course I scat tha awld zaminurr straight thru tha windscreen dedun I, we found un lyun in tha rawd mouth abbum awpun like a hake. He stepped laame furr waiks you und Billie Arris wuz scat ta ribbons put me off drivun for life.
Mind, when I da gaw catch tha bus these days I da wish we ad a car, well teden like ee usta ta be with a conducturr seeun ta ee. Teday I wuz scrowled up like a pilchun me fare in one hand me frail in tha uthurr tiz sum trackle. That drivurr day nearly thrawed me top Mrs Pasca, und yew da knaw what sheem like, nevur appy less sheem misrebull, face on er like a busted sawfa. Then, behind me cummed Bert Oskun ee scat er in tha sheens with iz obbstankers when tha braakes went on sudden like, knaw tiddun like ee usta be. Wot do ee think pon this ere flyin lark un? They da gaw all auvurr tha world teday dawn’t um? Maid Zena went Spain lass year, she dedun maake much abbum mind I dawnt think she wuz keen, er lill maid Bethany dedun lik un tall, thaw she said she thought tha dinnurr ladies on board wuz quite nice. Feythurr da say ee wudden gaw up in tha sky fun nawthunn and if we wuz meant ta fly God wud av give us wings. I da agree widdun. Ere, we ad sum andsum preachurr down Chapel Sunday, what Mothurr would call a real calathumpian, ee gibbum bell tink you. Wuddun I sum glad I dedun buy one av they lottery tickutts cuz ee preached bout tha sins av tha flesh, un men-shunned gamblun und covettun yurr neighbours things. My gar, I went awme und oiled up me awld pushurr mawurr. Still cum think obbum, tha dear Lord muss knaw ow I da suffun with me skiatticks, do ee think eed reely mind if I ad one av they mawturr mawurrs like next door? Praps I cud juss gaw und av a look at urn eh? Ere, Feythurr ull be in daggun fun cup tay any minute, bess streame me clawme und git sunthun ta ate. If I’m goin slock ee inta Trurra morra ta av a geek at one av they mawurrs tedun knaw good ta do tackle un on a empty stummuck izza?
See ee again. Maid Lowenna.

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